GRIEF.

We often reserve grief for dead people or dead animals or dead experiences but we never discuss grief for those things that are still alive. Grief that has no closure. The closure being mere acceptance. but what about grieving someone you walk past all the time? or grieving someone because they cannot love you the way you deserve?  Grief is this thing that i haven't always been able to conceptualize. I felt it when my uncle died as a kid. I never got to see him in his casket. I felt it when my grandmother died. I didn't get to say goodbye. I felt it when my cousin was murdered. My beating heart was ripped out my chest. I felt it when my lover betrayed me. An indescribable pain. I felt it when i didn't feel understood or seen by friendships i opened up to. Numbness. The one kind of grief that has felt like being stabbed a million times throughout my life originated from my dad. I grieve the view i had of him in my upcoming years. The times he cared. The times he asked me questions. The times he wanted to protect me beyond the mere constraints of his ego. The times i was excited to greet him. This is the one kind of grief i always find myself going back to. It connects all the other griefs together like a web. I'm the spider. Maybe grief isn't about letting go. Maybe it's just about acceptance. Acceptance if a person never changes. Knowing who you are and not tolerating less. Doing for yourself what you wished others would've done. Doing for others what you wished others would've done for you. Grief instills a level of gratitude that is only fulfilled through compassionate, Holy driven service to something beyond you. My grief taught me that i'm still human. No matter how gifted. No matter how dauntless i am when treading through the fire. No matter how stoic i am in the face of detachment. My grief reminds me that im human. It's an unruly emotion. One that always finds me. One that i can't escape. I no longer seek to escape. I jump into the pool of grief...and i drown in it. When i come up to breathe...im reminded of my divinity and humanness alike. I’m reminded of my connection to god. I’m reminded of those who see me. I’m reminded of love. I’m reminded of my sovereignty.

I’m reminded of life itself.