Thank you, 24.

Woke up today to the Sun’s warmth on my skin. I look in the mirror. I whine my hips while smiling ear to ear. I give myself 100 air kisses. “happy birthday, my love,” I speak to myself. I check my messages, flooding with love and the effort of being seen. Tears caressing my face as I hear the words wielded from my own being. I love my village. Deeply. As I type this the Sun is speaking to me. It’s telling me that I’m meant to shine like this even more during my next trip around it. 

As I reflect on the past year, I am in awe. Darkness and light was mended by me bridging them. I danced in the stripclub (AND LIFE), which led to the beautiful conception and birth of this blog and my own current existence alike. I met so many characters that shaped my own becoming. Some stayed. Some went. Some lingered. For ALL I am infinitely grateful. Most of all I can say, this year I reconnected with a character that was lost but never hidden. My fire. The match that lit my flame this year revealed to me an aspect of myself that was foreign yet familiar. It was the girl as a child who fearlessly sang on stages. The little girl who danced for god. Not for the audience but to maintain and express the flame burning inside. For so many years that flame was either uncontrollable or completely dimmed. Oh, how I loved the extremes. This past year I danced in them. All the elements making me who I am melding together like a potion. I, sorcerist. I broke so many barriers for myself. I discovered what it meant to give myself my own flowers and be open in heart enough to receive them from god. My heart and my sacral felt the feeling of being in one accord. This year was a bunch of “finally’s.” Finally I know that with enough raw passion, drive and truth that what I seek is not a fever dream. It is something that I have to become in order to see. This year, I saw. And this year, I was seen. I learned that my fire isn’t always loud and scorching. Most times, it is sensually seductive. It is precisely sharp. It is much like the flame of a candle, becoming increasingly potent as one approaches it. I learned what it feels like for one to be a bystander to my flame and one who chooses to come close enough to feel its heat. Both serve a purpose and both represent aspects of me. This year I became my greatest witness, although I appreciate the few that witnessed me. I learned my baseline. The baseline….what a fucking gift it is to be able to settle within opposition and not feel conflicted. I didn’t have to try to do this. I just had to be there when God showed up. That was enough. I didn’t need a grand cathedral to meet God. All I needed was me and a playground that didn’t make sense to anyone BUT me. I trust myself now. I trust my body. I trust life. 

I had no idea this year would be so beautifully transformative. It makes me more excited to tread in the land of the living, although the land of the dead is also a home I’m periodically called back to. I’ve learned it doesn’t have to be a place to stay just because I can dance there. This year I fell in love with myself. This might sound vain to many, but knowing who the fuck I am created an energy of abundance and ease that I can’t say I truly knew before. It’s the kind of ease that stays put even in the midst of discomfort and fire. Even when I choose to engulf myself in the flames. Even when the heat is piercing my skin. I emerged more embodied than before. For that, I am so grateful. I have no idea what this year has in store for me. I know what my plans are. I know what my goals are. But if this year didn’t teach me one thing…the unknown has much better plans than my human mind can even conceptualize. This year God brought me the most unexpected gift in the form of an individual that saw my light in a way that only a mother can see the light in her child’s eye. I saw what was in the mirror and absolutely fell in love. It wasn’t romance. It was soul recognition. Together we’re birthing something that is a constant reminder of how far I’ve come. Every part was worth it. Every fucking part. This year I became the version of myself that could hold this vision. I learned how much energy it takes to just hold a damn vision. It didn’t come from delusion. It didn’t come from running away and abandoning my post when things got confusing or uncomfortable. It came from action. It came from presence. It came from beauty. It came from love. It came from protecting myself no matter what. It came from the light within darkness. 

Tonight, I went to a restaurant called ‘Crying Tiger.’ The entire theme was…you guessed it…tigers. This year I was much like a crying tiger. Fierce. Seductive. Primal. Powerful. Protective. I was also sensitive. Loving. Open in heart. One aspect doesn’t dominate another in me. They dance inside my body and I allow it. It’s the feeling that feels most like me. Paradoxical, nevertheless. But I am a paradox. Not meant to be understood but, more so, witnessed, felt, and respected. This year did its job completely. I have no regrets. I don’t wish to have done anything differently. For that, I am grateful. Thank you, year 24. Thank you, 6. Thank you, Empress. Thank you, Nia. We danced beautifully. 

xoxo

Nia