DIVINE MADNESS.
i can never just write about the thing. the experience. the person. the habit. the pattern. i always have to engulf myself completely in said thing. like jumping into the abyss knowing i will have to go through a labyrinth to get out. it's madness. it's foolish. but i guess it's also quite brave. To know i will suffer in some capacity to receive truth. i go in the name of liberation (or that’s what i’d like to tell myself). maybe i go because im curious about the most taboo things. idk. but i always know clarity awaits me. on a silver platter. or maybe gold. i fooled myself to ever think i could do anything casually. im always consumed. feeling like a submarine in the vastest of oceans. dark. eerie. but throughout my journey always discovering something i would've never come into consciousness about if i remained on the surface. if i remained a bystander to this ocean. would i have known what lurked beneath it? i guess im the kind of person who turns the ocean inside out. or outside in?
i refer back to an old writing of mine when i said:
"i am an ocean. some people are on boats. and that is how they meet me. some people are in scuba gear. and that’s how they meet me. and some people are in submarines. that’s how they meet me. some people are free diving. my love can be suffocating. that’s how they meet me. people meet me as far as they choose to go. most only enticed by my waves. only exploring the surface. others choose to explore my every depth. some without permission."
i don't blame others for choosing to graze the surface of the ocean. but i do understand now that how someone chooses to explore the ocean (that is life) is a reflection of how willing they are to explore their own terrain. i've noticed this concept both literally and metaphorically. for example those that fear boats. or fear scuba diving. they don't just fear the action. they fear that feeling of being engulfed in unfamiliar landscape. they fear being in the middle of chaos. they fear the darkness that lies beneath the surface. the black community isn't just inexperienced around water. you know? that fallacy that "black people cant swim." it's less about the action and more about the internal ache. when mothers had to choose to save themselves and their offspring or engulf themselves in the water. many would say the woman is mad. she's hysteric. why would she throw her children overboard? why would she throw herself overboard. to be consumed by a greater force than life itself. water is remembrance.
i am extreme at times…many times. i tread a dangerous line. I have conscious awareness that it is dangerous before pursuing but to me it feels like communion with a source that cannot be conceptualized. To others it is risky. To me it feels liberating. I always come out with the most integrated of truths. maybe that’s the knowing that the ocean dwellers felt. that’s what i refer to the black slaves that jumped off the ships. they felt a call towards something rather gruesome, yet freeing. I’ll never forget during my last semester of college in my Black Psychology class. In the first class he asked about dreams. In another class he asked us if we would have jumped off the boat or remained on the boat during the Slave Trade. The answers were 50/50 for the most part. that’s when i realized that dreams and water hold a great significance and, even, correlation to the psyche. I sometimes wonder how the bystanders felt when witnessing such a scene. were they in fear? contemplation? disgust? maybe all of the above. i think i would’ve been wondering how extreme it all was. would you dare to jump with the knowing you would be swallowed whole? no escape. no evidence of redemption. just full surrender to the water. i honestly don’t have an answer. it’s an extreme question that can really only be answered through experience. maybe that’s why im extreme. i jump into the void with no knowledge of how i’ll return…but i learn everytime. with even more tenacity each time. even more clarity. i don’t go out looking for trouble per se. i’m summoned by it. some irresistible pull on my every being. my heart strings. my expression. my intrigue. i will always choose to be consumed by the unknown rather than chained to the known.
just a random thought dump lol. welcome to my brain. :)
